Turtles live the ultimate life of luxury. You've probably never thought about how convenient and beautiful their lives truly are, so allow me to give you a list of completely unscientific, yet surprisingly accurate view of the life of a turtle. God bless those little shelled wonders.
You Never Have To Pay For Rent
How much do you pay for rent every month? Wouldn't life be so much better if you were born with a house attached to your body? That's one of many things turtles have that you don't.
No One Minds If You Eat Crickets
If you've ever tried to eat a cricket in a social setting, you realize what a nightmare it can be. People judge you and stare at you in the most condescending way imaginable. If you're a turtle, not only do they tolerate it, it's encouraged!
You Could Possibly Become Mutated
While it's not exactly a common occurrence history has shown (re: cartoons of the 90s) that if turtles are exposed to a certain type of "ooze" they can mutate into giant creatures. This is probably one of the biggest selling points of being a turtle.
After Mutating, You Can Learn Karate From A Rat
As if being a human-sized turtle wasn't enough, you know have the opportunity to learn martial arts from an equally mutated rat. Is this how Diddy lives?
You Always Have An Excuse For Being Late
How great would it be to show up 30 minutes late for a meeting and say, "Sorry gang, I'm a turtle." That's it! You're automatically excused!
Probably Really Good At Breakdancing
I've never seen a turtle attempt to breakdance, but by having that slick shell on their back, I don't see how they couldn't spin for hours. There's a reason the dance crews on You Got Served never challenged a turtle. They know better.
No One Minds If You Don't Have A Facebook
If you tell someone you're going to add them on Facebook and you tell them you don't have one, get ready for some fireworks. If you're a turtle no one is going to expect you to have a Facebook. You're too busy attempting to cross a road for 30-40 minutes at a time.
No One Judges You If Your Search History Is Just A Bunch Of Pictures Of Snails And Worms
When someone gets on my laptop I'm always terrified they'll start looking through my search history. It's not that there's anything terrible in there, but there are few pages of snails and worms. If I were a turtle this wouldn't be an issue at all. What a life.
You Only Need A Strip Of Fabric For Your Halloween Costume
Instead of spending up to hundreds of dollars on an elaborate costume, the only thing you have to do as a turtle is get a colored strip of fabric, cut two eye holes in it, and tie it around your head. Got a blue piece of fabric? Boom! You're Leonardo.
You're Undefeated In Races Against Rabbits
How many races have you won against rabbits? Probably none. Definitely none that are widely discussed and documented. Turtles probably get free drinks at every bar just on the off chance that he's the same turtle that defeated that arrogant rabbit.
Dana Carvey Did An Impression Of You In Master Of Disguise
Wait, this is actually not a good thing. This is terrible.
You Can Sink To The Bottom Of A Lake And Not Die
My uncle tried this back in 1987. Unlike a turtle he did not float to the bottom and survive. Rest in peace, Uncle Gary.
You Never Forget Your Cell Phone Charger At Home
How many times have you gone out and realized a little too late that you forgot your phone charger? Now you have to choose between having a dead phone for the rest of the night, or leaving early. If only you could bring your home with you wherever you go. Wait a minute, that's the turtle way of life!
You Don't Have To Dress Up For St. Patrick's Day
God forbid you happen to forget to wear green on St. Patrick's Day and have to endure a day of your co-workers groping and pinching you for 8 hours. If you're a turtle you don't have to worry about wearing green; you are green. Does it get any better than this? I think not.